DLUTI 229 - SCPs: A Pool That Melts You And Interdimensional Baseball
This week, we're giving a sneak peak at what's going on over on our website/Patreon. Matt and Mike decide which of these SCPs would be the best hacker.
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1 SPEAKER_03: Oh, we're recording.
Welcome to Unplanned Potency.
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, we're not gonna do that because you guys
don't like it.
So what do you mean they don't like it?
Uh so I mean like half of our normal audience tuned in.
Which, if you're half of that normal audience that tuned into
those episodes during the holiday break, thanks.
SPEAKER_01: We appreciate it.
Thank you.
SPEAKER_00: But a lot of you were just like, nah.
And that's fine.
SPEAKER_03: You know, no, no, no, no.
Fuck you.
If you're one of those people, go fuck yourselves.
No, I don't matter.
We don't care.
SPEAKER_00: Um the numbers haven't come back up to close to
where they were before the holiday break, though.
SPEAKER_03: Hey, we did it.
We're getting back to media.
SPEAKER_00: We're getting back to Z List podcast.
Yeah.
No.
SPEAKER_03: We're Z Y List.
Z.
SPEAKER_00: Z.
Yeah.
Z.
Right.
We should explain that.
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
So last time on Containment Corner Z, uh, everyone died.
Because that's how the show goes.
SPEAKER_00: Um we fired some bears out of a cannon.
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
You you you explain things better than I do.
Why don't you do this?
SPEAKER_00: Alright.
So this week, the main podcast people, you're getting a sneak
peek into some of the new content that we're brilling out
on the Patreon.
So we used to have this thing called Containment Corner, uh,
where we would read audio logs about SCPs, and you know what?
That took a really long fucking time to edit.
SPEAKER_03: And may or may not have caused one of us to get
into a mental state that is not good.
SPEAKER_00: That I don't really know if you fully recovered
from.
But um no, so so we're not doing that anymore.
But we do like SCPs, they're fun, and and the people like
SCPs.
So we have dubbed what we're doing now as Containment Corner
Z because it's the new generation of containment
corner.
And how it works is normally there's four of us, and
everybody grabs an SCP off of the SCP wiki and shows up, and
nobody else knows what it is, and everybody explains what
their SCP is and talks about it, and then we make some decision
about what we think the best SCP was, whether it was the most
entertaining or not.
We asked our patrons in the last Patreon episode for criteria for
how to judge the SCPs.
So if you have ideas about that, let us know.
Because we don't want each one to be like what was the funniest
or what was this what would be the strongest.
SPEAKER_03: Which would win in a fight.
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
What what would an idea I had would what would be best at
planning your niece's birthday party?
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03: Just something like that.
Which one uh which one would have a better uh success rate at
selling you cable television or just something just give us some
sort of criteria, something to work off of.
SPEAKER_00: So Tori left us a suggestion on the last episode,
um, and one of them was which one has the best hacker skills.
So I'm gonna extend that to just like which one is gonna be best
equipped to handle hacking into something.
SPEAKER_03: So and another little extra extra little tidbit
for for you people listening.
Um, this, like Matt said, is a little little sample, little
taste of what you can get if you uh you know go to our Patreon at
patreon.com slash dilutipod or if you sign up on our website,
diluti.com.
Uh it's not just containment corner Z, we also brought back
Cryptic Corner Z.
And don't worry, I know what you're thinking.
Uh what will they call the next round when they inevitably drop
containment corner or cryptic corner again?
Well, then it's containment corner GT and containment corner
and we have to find something.
SPEAKER_00: We have to find a way to do this that's slightly
worse and do GT.
And then we'll just go back to doing this and call it super.
Super.
SPEAKER_03: The GT one will be we have the name of the SCP and
like a broad understanding, but we wing the rest of it.
That's what GT will be.
SPEAKER_00: That would be kind of fun.
SPEAKER_03: It would just be winging it.
GT could be like we take like you get the image of it, and
that's it.
SPEAKER_00: And you have to make up what it is based on the name
of it and the image, or we could each pick one for each other,
take the thing, like Google translate it into Mandarin, and
then back, and then send that to the other person.
SPEAKER_03: There we go.
Hell yeah.
That will be containment corner and crypto corner GT.
Um, no, but yeah, we're we we're bringing back both in the same
type of uh format.
So we're really inside the same same core uh format with the
categories and everything.
SPEAKER_00: So so yeah.
SPEAKER_03: The first first round is already up.
We already did a uh uh SCP corner and this obviously this
one.
Uh, but look out for a cryptid one uh coming up here this
month.
Next time on Cryptid Corner Z.
Anyway, anyhow, let's get into what we got.
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I went well first last week, you go first
this week.
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
So today I have SCP 100.
Now I'm going about finding SCPs in the approach that Jason was
like, you can't, you shouldn't do that because there's so many.
I'm going like number one down, and I'm just looking for one
that sounds the most interesting, and I'm just
clicking on it.
And this one kind of sparked my interest a little bit.
So this is SCP 100.
Its object class is Euclid.
For those of you that aren't too familiar with uh SCP, there are
some object classes.
I don't remember all of them off the top, but uh Euclid means it
basically if you don't fuck with it, it won't fuck with you.
That's that's the very broad strokes of what Euclid means.
Um that's not exactly the case, but it's like TLDR.
Uh so special containment procedures.
Here's how you here's how you keep this thing away from the
public.
SCP-100 is to have six guards patrolling the interior of the
perimeter's fencing and two guards dedicated to the
monitoring of the interior and exterior of both warehouses and
the residential building with rotations to occur every three
hours.
Any unauthorized personnel found within SCP-100 are to be
detained for questioning prior to amnestic administration and
release.
So they just fucking just bloop your memory and send you on your
way.
Three guards are to remain within the storefront of SCP-100
with rotations to occur every eight hours.
The storefront entrance is to remain locked at all times with
keys provided to necessary personnel.
Quote unquote private property and no trespassing signs are to
be posted on the front of the storefront to deter any drivers
from stopping at SCP-100.
Any constructs SCP-100-1 creates, which again, for those
that don't know SCP, whenever there's a dash and a number at
the end, it's kind of like a subcategory of the SCP.
Like for example, if I have a piece of paper and it's SCP 10,
and I rip off a piece, that piece is SCP 10-1.
It's just it's a subcategory now of the main one.
Um so any constructs SCP-100-1 creates are to be removed from
SCP 100 and melted down into slag, with the exception of SCP
100-2-A and 2-B.
Should SCP 100-1 become uncooperative, SCP-2A and 2B may
be removed from 100 until the time that dash one becomes
cooperative again.
Confusing, I know.
We'll get to what this means.
The largest of the two warehouses within SCP-100 has
been converted into a basic research facility.
All objects created by SCP-100-1, excluding 2A and 2B,
may be used for research purposes.
Testing on dash one itself may only be conducted with written
permission from the acting head researcher.
Now that's a lot of dashes and whatnot that I said.
So you're probably curious on what all these things are and
what the fuck I'm talking about.
So let's go into it.
SPEAKER_00: All I've got gathered so far is buildings and
you have to guard them.
SPEAKER_03: There's so far we have four things.
You have 100, 100-1, 100-2A, and 100-2-B.
Four things you have to keep in mind.
SPEAKER_00: 100-1 Dalmatians.
SPEAKER_03: So here's the description.
SCP-100 is an abandoned scrapyard 80 kilometers from
Blank, Redacted, South Carolina, known only as Jamaican Joe's
Junkyard Jubilee.
The scrapyard covers roughly 5,000 square meters of
fenced-off land, consisting of two warehouses, a storefront,
and a small residential building, as well as neglected
land and land use for storage.
SCP-100 holds roughly 1,500 vehicles, both pressed and
unpressed, as well as roughly 1,400 kilograms of separate
scrap, estimated to be worth roughly$5,000.
SCP-100's anomalous effect manifests through 100-1 and its
constructs, including 2A and 2B.
Autonomy is lost when 100-1 or one of its objects cross the
fenced perimeter of 100, remaining in this state until
reintroduction.
So basically, you heard that right.
So if dash one if dash one or one of its objects leaves the
vicinity of the perim of 100, yeah, it loses autonomy.
So it just kind of what does that mean?
SPEAKER_00: It stops functioning controlling it.
It does, it doesn't function at all.
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
If it leaves the facility, it stops functioning.
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03: Dash one is an autonomous, sapient, humanoid
construct consisting mostly of copper piping, uninsulated
copper wiring, and aluminum cans.
100-1 cracks the ability.
That's why he's at the junkyard.
Uh dash one lacks.
Uh dash one lacks the ability for written or verbal
communication.
However, it possesses the ability to communicate using
rudimentary sign language.
Dash one is largely uninterested in conversation outside of
sales, and information gathered from it has been limited.
SCP-1 uh appears to possess skill in craftsmanship,
demonstrating the ability to operate tools such as an arc
welder, drills, and power saws, and as well as heavy machinery
such as car compressors and forklifts.
SPEAKER_00: Dash one possesses the ability shop inside this.
SPEAKER_03: They kind of are.
So Dash One possesses the ability to create autonomous
constructs similar to itself, using material available within
uh SCP-100.
SCP-100-1 tends to create four specific animals iguanas,
crocodiles, turtles, and flamingos.
Every Florida junkies what dream here.
However, I mean it is South Carolina, so we're about the
same panhandle.
Um, however, SCP-100-1 has been known to craft other species
such as domestic pets.
To maintain compliance, SCP-100-1 has been allowed to
keep two objects labeled 2A and 2B.
2A and 2B are constructs superficially resembling
insects, assumed to be created by 100, as they have occupied
SCP-100 since the initial discovery of SCP-100.
The names Raymond and Beatrice are welded onto the backs of 2A
and 2B respectively, respectively.
Beatrice, yes.
They appear to operate as both companions as well as guards for
SCP-100 as they patrol the perimeter of SCP-100, except
during intervals of interaction with SCP-100-1.
Now, there's a decent amount more here.
Um but what I want to read, let me find it, let me find it, let
me find it.
Um you know what honestly, I could probably just fucking I
could finish this off.
It's like three more paragraphs.
That's easy peasy stuff.
Um SCP-1 appears to follow a ritualistic schedule, repeating
the same actions daily.
Uh this is all in military time, and I don't really know what it
is, so figure it out your fucking self.
You fucking figure it out.
From 0800 to 1500, Dash One enters a storefront of SCP-100,
seating itself behind a counter and attempting to bargain with
any humans within the storefront.
Occasionally, Dash One will return to the yard prematurely
for reasons unknown.
From 1500 to 1600, Dash One interacts with 2A and 2B,
communicating uh using vague hand and arm gestures.
Interaction tends to consist of grooming, repair, grooming,
repair, and active activities resembling fetch and hide and
seek.
From 1600 to 100.
SPEAKER_00: It's insect dogs.
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, pretty much.
Yeah.
From 1600 to uh 20 to 2000, whatever that time is, um, SCP-1
performs various tasks, including taking stock of
material within 100, cleaning and maintaining tools and heavy
machinery, and cleaning the interiors and exteriors of
buildings present within 100.
From 2000 to uh zero time, uh zero door thirty, uh SCP-100-1
performs what is assumed to be leisurely X, ranging from
creating new constructs, interacting with 2A and 2B, and
patrolling 100.
From O to 0800, dash one enters residential building or remains
seated at a desk for the duration of time.
Now, this is my favorite part.
So in go ahead.
Go ahead.
SPEAKER_00: So he goes to work.
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
Yeah, it just goes to work.
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
SPEAKER_03: I like that he tries to sell you.
SPEAKER_00: Right.
SPEAKER_03: In the event that a human enters a storefront of
100, during the interval of time, SCP-1 is seated behind the
counter.
Dash one will attempt to bargain with them using a variety of
gestures to convey the meaning.
Most attempts by Dash One are all to sell scrap, uh, or
figures of its own creation or repair services.
However, it has been known to purchase scrap.
Despite SCP-100-1's inability to read, it possesses the ability
to perform basic mathematics and demonstrate as demonstrated by
sales.
unknown: Okay.
SPEAKER_00: Now which is pretty, I mean, that's like your local
auto zone guy, basically.
SPEAKER_03: I could put new air filter in for$70.
SPEAKER_00: I can punch the code into the computer.
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
Uh sales made by Dash One are typically met with some degree
of unfairness.
Dash One has been known to intentionally use faulty scales
and catanimate scrap piles with cheaper metals, and has a
demonstrated knowledge of the area effect within 100, as Dash
One has sold constructs repeatedly despite the loss of
autonomy when exiting 100.
Efforts to confront Dash One about this have been met with
both distress and indifference, with referral to a sign posted
on the wall reading, no refunds, Mon.
No refunds, Mon.
No refunds, Mom.
Happening regardless of Dash One's emotional response.
So he's just gotta the science says no refunds.
100 was discovered on November 9th, 1976, following reports of
strange machines operating from within the scrapyard.
These rumors were discredited as urban legends, and the
foundation agent was sent to 100 to act as the landlord unit
containment uh to act as the landlord uh until containment
was performed under the guise of property sale.
A wooden privacy fence was built along the former perimeter of
100.
One-way windows were installed in the storefronts, and a
highway now running through the nearby town redirects the
majority of civilian traffic.
Um, that is pretty much what I have here.
There are some addendums, and there's some other like little
mini like stories here basically about how people were haggled
and ripped off into buying shitty scrap from Dash One, and
when they go back, he gets upset at them and uh will not refund
them their money.
SPEAKER_00: So so he's just a copper animatron man who is a
shitty junkyard salton.
Yeah, who works at his junkyard and has pet insect dogs or
scraps dogs.
SPEAKER_03: Correct, named Beatrice and the other one.
What is the other one?
Uh Raymond.
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
Well, that's pretty good.
That's very similar to your you know what he needs.
He needs that plaque from your other He does.
SPEAKER_03: He does need the plaque, he deserves it.
He is employee of the month.
SPEAKER_00: I guess non-members, uh, if the the previous SCP
episode, Mike had Mike's SCP was a plaque, an employee of the
month plaque that if you put it on a wall for 30 days, you get a
good employee.
SPEAKER_03: You get a random employee that shows up and does
a good job, but after that, he sucks.
He just starts to suck.
So if anything, this just tells me that we all need to go down
to Jamaican Joe's Junkyard Jubilee and have a good time
with Copper Man here.
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
You know?
Yeah.
Is there something with Jamaicans and scrapyards or
something that I'm not is that a reference I'm not understanding?
Or like a racial thing.
SPEAKER_03: I don't know.
SPEAKER_00: I'm not understanding.
SPEAKER_03: I don't know.
I don't I've never heard of it outside of this.
It's just a little detail.
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
SPEAKER_00: No refunds mode.
No refunds bond.
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
I like it.
I like it.
I like it.
I like it.
SPEAKER_00: I like I would extend it if I was writing this
SEP to him building like dudes who go steal cars, and he's like
running at a chop sta at a chop shop.
And that's like how they discover this is happening
because cars keep disappearing.
SPEAKER_03: They caught copper men stealing catalytic
converters.
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
SPEAKER_03: That's a great addendum.
I enjoy that a lot.
SPEAKER_00: Um, okay.
So so my first one is pretty long, but I think it's worth it.
SPEAKER_01: Oh yeah.
SPEAKER_00: And maybe I'll skip some of the details because the
I the general idea here is fairly simple.
But it's it's a goodie.
So my SCP is SCP-2206.
Object class Euclid.
Special containment procedures.
Containment of SCP-2206 is currently unfeasible due to the
number and distribution of its broadcasting locations.
To combat growing public awareness of SCP-2206, a mass
disinformation campaign has been launched with the goal of
disguising SCP-2206 as a work of fiction.
To this end, the following actions have been, will be, and
or are continuing to be taken.
The creation of a fictional website for SCP-2206, describing
it as a radio show parodying popular sports talk radio.
The creation of SCP-2206 merchandise sold through an
online storefront on the aforementioned website.
The creation of advertisements for SCP-2206, mimetically
engineered to decrease listeners' willingness to
believe that SCP-2206 is anything other than a work of
fiction.
The staging of live sports shows emulating SCP-2206 broadcasts
performed by Mobile Task Force Lambda 30, aka Sportscasting
Performers.
Efforts to locate and neutralize the source of SCP-2206 are
ongoing.
Description SCP-2206 is a series of radio broadcasts that began
occurring throughout the continental United States in
2008.
These broadcasts mainly occurred during the local evening,
usually coinciding with a region's baseball games.
While it is possible to trace individual instances of SCP-2206
back to their apparent broadcasting locations, no
source has been found for them.
It's currently theorized that SCP-2206 is an inter-universal
broadcast from an alternate universe significantly different
from our own.
The content of 2206 is a sports commentary and discussion show.
While the focus of this show is a sport referred to as baseball,
the sport is significantly different from any known version
of baseball played on Earth.
These differences include batters did not receive walks,
the only way to get on base is to successfully hit the ball.
Bats are constructed from aluminum or lightweight
composites instead of northern white ash, wood typically used
in the construction of professional level bats, a
larger playing field.
The distance between bases has been stated as being 180 feet.
While the distance between home plate and the furthest point of
the back wall has been given as sixteen hundred feet, which is a
really long way.
Really big.
It's like a third of a mile.
High strength fences of great height entirely surround the
field for protection of spectators.
On-field fights between opposing teams are common, expected, and
considered a legitimate manner of contesting an umpire's call.
Serious injuries and fatalities are significantly more common.
Use of steroids and other performance-enhancing drugs is
mandatory.
SPEAKER_01: Hell yeah.
SPEAKER_00: Players are highly divergent from baseball baseline
humans.
Genetically modified and cybernetically enhanced humans,
sapient, ectomorphs, androids, and other anomalous humanoids
are present in some combination on all teams.
Fan superstitions appear to be capable of actually affecting
the outcome of a game.
The commentators for SCP-2206, who are by all indications
baseline humans, treat these differences as usual and normal,
providing commentary very similar in tone and style to
that of a normal sports talk radio show.
The following teams are known to currently play SCP-2206
baseball, and there is a complete table of the team, the
league that they're in, and then our universe's corresponding
team, and then a description of the what this team's deal is.
So an example is we have the Atlanta Aztecs, who are the
equivalent of the Atlanta Braves.
In lieu of an opening pitch, the team starts their home games by
ritually sacrificing a B-list celebrity.
SPEAKER_03: I was hoping that they would have funnier names
for these.
Like, is there is there more?
Did you say there's more names?
SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah.
So we got the Houston Colt 45s, singularly responsible for the
1972 ban on the use of firearms during play.
And then we got the Montreal Volcanoes, which are the
Washington Nationals.
Their home games are played inside an active volcano.
This resulted in the incineration of the entire team,
along with their opponents, the Toronto Razors, and the
thousands of spectators when the volcano erupted during the game
of five of the 2005 Pearson Cup.
SPEAKER_01: There's just a bunch of this is how sports should be.
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
The Tampa Bay Devils players' salaries are paid in human
souls.
The Texas Renegades in 1993, the entire team quit baseball and
formed a basketball team only to return to baseball in 1995.
SPEAKER_03: Oh, so it's Michael Jordan, the team.
SPEAKER_00: The Seattle Autopilots are the team's roster
includes two self-driving cars, four unmanned aerial vehicles,
and three autonomous vacuum cleaners.
It's unknown how they are able to play baseball.
SPEAKER_03: So if you want more of these, there's a more figure,
but they figured it out.
Yep.
SPEAKER_00: So that's uh SCP.
SCP-2206.
It's a baseball the MLB from another dimension.
And it's leaking into ours.
And I really enjoy the idea that they're staging mock games to
make it look like this is happening.
SPEAKER_03: I really, I really like this is how sports should
be to an extent in real life.
I always thought it would be super funny and very worthwhile
for us to have like what I would call the Super Olympics, which
is yeah, take your guy, inject him full of whatever the fuck
you want.
Didn't they do that?
Make him as did they?
Yeah.
Oh.
Hell yeah.
Where it's just like Roid them up, do whatever you want with
them.
It's no holds barred.
Just go crazy.
SPEAKER_00: That's a thing they did recently.
The enhanced games, yes.
How it is.
It hasn't happened yet.
It's scheduled for May of this year.
SPEAKER_03: Oh fuck, dude.
We should watch that.
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, my understanding of this is um
yeah, basically exactly what you're saying.
They're having some they're having the Olympics in Nevada
and they're just letting you just do whatever the fuck you
want.
What does it say?
It does state in the Wikipedia article I'm reading that cocaine
and heroin will not be allowed.
SPEAKER_03: Uh that's but meth.
They didn't say meth.
This is how you get the super soldier serum in real life,
because eventually governments are gonna be like putting or co
companies putting a big money into this and they're gonna
perfect and make the ideal serum steroid to give to their guy.
SPEAKER_00: Now this begs a question though.
Like it says FDA approved substances, but stuff like human
growth hormone is FDA approved, but does it does the athlete
have to have a medical reason for using it?
Or do they just like it's it's a thing you can get, so fuck it.
SPEAKER_01: Oh no, that's a good question.
I don't have a good answer.
I don't either.
You probably look it up.
Probably look it up.
SPEAKER_00: But anyway, yeah, it's happening.
SPEAKER_03: I that I enjoy yours.
I don't know how well it would do when it comes to hacking.
Yeah.
But then again, mine's not all that great either.
SPEAKER_00: He seems crafty though.
So like, but I he does know basic mathematics.
So but if you put a computer in front of him, is he just gonna
be like, nah, I don't need the those new fancy fucking computer
systems.
SPEAKER_03: You might try to sell it to you, actually.
Right.
Maybe I enjoy I I I like yours a lot though.
I like that concept of we we stumbled across listening to an
other dimension fucking sports.
That's very funny to me.
I like that a lot.
That's pretty good.
All right.
I I also have two SCP-230, otherwise known as the gayest
man alive.
SPEAKER_00: Oh, hell yeah.
SPEAKER_03: So this object class is Euclid.
Special containment procedures.
SCP-230 is kept in a secure room on site redacted.
The room must have a controlled ventilation system so that air
exiting the room can be properly filtered before it re-enters the
regular ventilated system of the complex.
SCP-230 is to be given anything he requests and does not violate
standard procedures for SCP containment.
The door is set to automatically lock every time it is close, it
closes and can only be opened from outside the room.
Personnel entering 230's room must wear a full hazmat suit
with its own oxygen supply.
Guys, it's not the 80s anymore.
Okay, you can touch a gay person.
It's fine.
You don't need to do all this, SCP.
Personnel exposed to the air in SCP's uh 230 cell or who come in
physical contact with 230 or any of 230's bodily fluids must be
contained and held for observation for no less than one
month.
Personnel still exhibiting symptoms from 230 after one
month are to be terminated.
If personnel are cleared by on-site staff after a month,
they are then to be transferred and forbidden contact with 230.
Due to recent events, subjects have been exposed and cleared by
staff are required to undergo regular psychological exams.
If upon exam the person the personnel exhibits any of the
traits shown in document 230-4436B, the personnel is to
be terminated.
Description.
SAP 230 is a male Caucasian with a lean body and god appearance.
230 is six foot one tall uh and 150 pounds.
Man, this this is a twink if I've ever seen one.
SPEAKER_00: What do you he's tall though?
You're talking about the gayest man on earth is six one.
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, six four six four, two eighty, you know.
SPEAKER_00: 6'4, 280.
SPEAKER_03: Appears to be in his early 30s.
He wears bright clothing and prefers the colors the colors
pink and yellow.
230 is a very cheerful individual who appears to be
incapable of negative emotions.
230 secretes a chemical similar decomposition to heroin from his
pores.
The chemical has been named compound redacted.
Once secreted from his pores, it evaporates immediately and
contaminates the air around 230.
Compound redacted seems to be effective in as little as 30
parts per million in gaseous form.
When inhaled, the compound causes extreme euphoria in
subjects.
Analysis on Class D personnel under the effects of 230
indicated that they had dopamine levels greater than five times
what is expected during sexual climax.
Subjects express impairment similar to the effects of
heroin.
Subjects become willing to comply with any request 230
makes, provided it does not involve leaving 230's presence.
Compound is present in all of 230's bodily fluids.
Exposure is possible even by contact with 230's skin.
Exposure to the compound will result in immediate addiction.
Withdrawal symptoms are extreme and have a 30% mortality rate.
Symptoms include loss of appetite, tremors, panic,
vomiting, diarrhea, irritability, dementia,
insanity, blindness, and hemorrhaging.
Those symptoms vary from subject to subject.
Symptoms typically last for around two weeks before
subsidizing or subsiding.
The symptoms appear to be determined by how much of the
compound the subject is exposed to.
Subjects that have ingested any of 230's bodily fluids, i.e.
saliva, blood, etc., have mortality rate from withdrawal
of 100%.
230 was found in an apartment in Redacted with 20 people acting
as his servants.
230 seemed to be actively attempting to limit the number
of people he exposed.
Several bodies of exposed persons were found on the
premises.
When questioned about them, 230 replied, things were getting
crowded, so I had to ask a few of them to stop breathing.
230 appears to be under the effects of the compound, but
doesn't seem impaired by it in any way.
Attempts to alter SCP-230's mood have proven ineffective.
Use of various drugs known to cause depression only result in
230 producing more of the compound and thus were
ineffective.
230 is a very friendly individual and will candidly
engage in conversation with any personnel.
230 is unaware of how or when he began secreting the compound.
When questioned about his past, 230 replied that he has been
secreting the compound as long as he can remember.
230 prefers to talk about the things he considers good or gay.
230 has some psychological attachment to the word gay.
When asked to describe himself, 230 used the word gay six times,
gay four times, and the word gayest once.
When SCP-230 referred to himself as the gayest man alive.
Note from the head doctor.
230's preoccupation within the word gay has nothing to do with
sexual orientation.
230 doesn't appear to have a sexual orientation due to lack
of interest in sex entirely.
This makes sense, seeing as 230 experiences the same amount of
pleasure doing any given activity, making sex
unnecessary.
So he just means gay as and he's the happiest man alive.
And I really enjoy that for this man.
I know, right?
This is a pretty fun time.
I chose this one over my other one.
And if again, if we have time later on, I'll I'll do the other
one because it's just not there's really nothing to it.
It's pretty bland.
I just like the concept of it, but I I think this one's concept
is way more fun.
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, this is fun.
I like it.
SPEAKER_03: Just a dude that's sweating heroin, and everyone
will around him wants it.
SPEAKER_00: I think yeah, and I think the thing is I would just
hang out with this guy.
Right?
Because it makes you feel really good, right?
And obviously he's having a good time, so he's gonna enjoy your
presence, and like you said, he's really friendly.
And like maybe at some point he's gonna make you stop
breathing.
But you know what?
You're gonna enjoy it, and so it's gonna be good right up to
the end.
SPEAKER_03: Yep.
Yeah, you're having a good time, especially because he can just
persuade you to die.
Like he told those people to stop breathing, they just did it
happily, happily.
So you're just this guy's a vibe from from beginning to end.
You're just you're going out on top.
And I'm here for it, dude.
Gayest man alive, more like the greatest man alive, you know
what I mean?
Well, yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
Imagine the good he can do at like an old folks' home, you
know?
Like a hospital, like a hospice.
You're dying, touch.
Alright, well, now you're going out with a bang.
Touch, now you're going out with a bang.
This guy would be w get him on payroll, hospice.
What are you doing?
SPEAKER_00: Withdrawal symptoms that kill you though seem bad.
Could they like bottle this serum somehow and like give it
to people?
SPEAKER_03: Oh, I'm sure.
Q that song where it's like uh uh Q seeing like bottles and
bottles in a factory, and just hear like and they're all just
going down, getting boxed up.
SPEAKER_00: He's just Slurms McKenzie.
SPEAKER_03: He is.
No, he's the queen, not Slurms McKenzie.
Anyway.
SPEAKER_00: Is there more here?
Or were you done?
No, that's that's it.
I'm done.
Okay.
All right, hell yeah.
I like that one.
Alright, the next one I got is SCP-3313.
Object class gator.
Special containment procedures.
SCP-3313 is, once recovered, to be kept in a high-value
containment chamber on the floor 46 of Site 88.
This chamber should utilize at least two of the extant
overlapping Scranton reality anchor fields on that floor to
suppress the reality-altering effects of SCP-3313.
Individuals are not allowed to come into direct physical
contact with SCP-3313.
Communications from any national or private space program's
orbital assets are to be reviewed by Mobile Task Force
Kappa 12, the French Courtiers, for information regarding
SCP-3313.
Any information recovered in this manner is to be utilized in
locating and recovering SCP-3313.
SCP-33131 is, once recovered, to be kept in standard human
containment cell at Site 19.
Description.
SCP-3313 is the severed penis of Benjamin Franklin, hereby
referred to as SCP-33131.
Despite having no biological support system, SCP-3313 appears
resistant to both damage and decay.
When in physical contact with any individual, SCP-3313
provides that individual with reality-altering capabilities,
roughly analogous with that of a class two reality-altering
entity.
SCP-3313's provided reality altering capabilities are vocal
in nature, and individuals incapable of verbally
communicating requests are believed to be incapable of
utilizing the object in this manner.
Requests made by individuals in physical contact with SCP-3313
are, when within SCP-3313's capacity to grant, fulfilled
immediately.
These requests are generally fulfilled in an exact and
literal manner.
SCP-3313 was recovered as part of a previously unknown
collection of SCP-33131's personal effects from his time
in Paris, France.
The object's anomalous properties were immediately
discovered once the object itself was identified.
Foundation DNA Foundation DNA testing confirmed the object
belonged to either a close relative of SCP-33131 or
SCP-3313 itself.
Incident Omega 54.
SPEAKER_03: Are they saying are they alluding that Ben Franklin
himself is an SCP?
SPEAKER_00: Well, that's explained here in a second.
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
SPEAKER_00: Incident Omega-54, however, is provided enough
context to conclude that SCP-3313 was in fact SCP-33131's
penis.
Yes.
So you're to answer your question.
SCP-33131 is Benjamin Franklin.
SCP-3313, the main SCP, is his penis.
Normally you would think it would be the other way around,
right?
Yeah.
SCP-3313 would be Benjamin Franklin and Dash 1 would be his
penis.
There's an incident that was referenced here.
Omega-54.
Now here's what happened.
On July 3rd of 2017, the Chaos Insurgency completed a ritual to
resurrect several of the United States founding fathers in an
effort to complete a coup of the U.S.
government included in this ritual were George Washington,
Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, Alexander Hamilton, and
SCP-33131.
Which is Ben Franklin.
Current dossiers recovered by the SCP Foundation indicate that
in addition to various anomalous properties possessed by these
five individuals, SCP-3313 possesses possessed no penis.
Further information on these animal anomalous properties.
SPEAKER_03: Well, they really they really checked these guys
out, huh?
SPEAKER_00: Further information on these anomalous properties
may be found on Document Omega 54J.
All five individuals escaped Chaos Insurgency custody by July
6th and are currently at large.
Prior to this incident, SCP-3313 was kept in a standard
containment chamber in the low value containment division of
Site 88.
On July 9th, SCP-33131 gained access to Site 88's low value
containment division and was allowed to come into contact
with SCP-3313.
The methods by which this was achieved are still unknown, and
audio records of the incident are not available.
Four seconds after physical contact was achieved, SCP-3313
began to generate thrust in a similar manner to that of a
chemical rocket engine, and both SCP-3313 and SCP-33131 escaped
at the site upwards.
This escaped damage all eight of the above floors through
SCP-33131 appears to have avoided physical harm.
Current calculations indicate that SCP-3313 and SCP-33131's
acceleration was insufficient to gain true escape velocity,
though the parabola will take several months to complete.
The projected landing location is currently unknown.
Incredible.
So somehow they got Ben Franklin lost his penis and they got a
hold of it.
And it it has these properties.
And then they tried to re somebody tried to resurrect Ben
Franklin, and he came in contact with his long-lost penis and
rock it.
And rocket.
SPEAKER_03: We studied the penis.
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, probably.
SPEAKER_03: While you're too busy studying the blade, I was
studying the cock.
SPEAKER_00: Much more useful skill, in my opinion.
Yeah, I agree.
SPEAKER_03: I could see how that could help with hacking.
Uh just the psycho that the psychedelic aspect of the penis
and then get hacking skills.
SPEAKER_00: Right.
Because it's basically request fulfilled for you as long as
you're able to give that command verbally.
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I mean to to quote Jay Surprise in the
Discord, uh you could be a wizard, all you have to do is
hold a penis.
And it's uh yeah, it seems like it.
You could do anything as long as you're holding this dong.
Which I guess isn't you're not capable of doing that anymore
because it's back on Benji.
That's okay.
Let the man have his dong, you know.
SPEAKER_00: Right, yeah.
Yeah, Benjamin Franklin's flying around out there somewhere,
maybe in orbit, maybe in outer space, holding his own penis.
SPEAKER_03: So just flying around.
Maybe instead of tying a a key to a kite string and getting
electricity, maybe it was his fucking massive dong in the air
and it just got electroshocked, and that's how it happened.
His dong fell off.
And he was like, oh, but electricity though.
SPEAKER_01: So that's fun.
Maybe.
Who's to say?
Maybe.
I don't know that it is like I don't there's a lot of questions
here.
SPEAKER_00: A lot of questions.
I don't have any other answers.
SPEAKER_03: Do you do you think the other founding fathers'
penises do similar things?
SPEAKER_00: Well, this is the only one that's designated as an
SCP, so I'm gonna go out on a limb and say no.
SPEAKER_01: Oh, true.
Very true.
SPEAKER_03: Alright, I got my real quick one, and I'm only
gonna do this one because it was my original.
I feel like I was cheating with the other one a little bit.
But I have SCP-242, which is a normal pool of water.
So it's object classes safe.
Containment procedures.
Uh 242 is kept at a home located in Redacted, uh, North uh New
Mexico.
Uh it was procured by the foundation uh by the original
owner, who was an out-of-state landlord who had problems
keeping it rented.
After retiring, he moved to the uh the building that 242 was at,
but disappeared after three days.
The home is unremarkable and is inhabited by Dr.
Blank and Dr.
Blank, who pose as a married couple with no children.
The backyard is defined along its perimeter with a cinder
block wall approximately two meters high in accordance to the
homes in the general vicinity.
The pool is monitored at all times by single-level one guard
uh who also covers as the couple's live in live and cook.
Swimming or waiting in the pool is strongly discouraged, and any
access to the pool by anyone other than Class D personnel for
experimental reasons is forbidden.
Here's the description.
242 is a swimming pool, approximately 4.5 meters wide.
By nine meters long with a depth ranging from one meter uh deep
on both ends to one and a half meters in the center, and a
total volume of 53,000 liters.
It has a dual waterfall feature and an in-pool vacuum unit and
stairs on one end.
Any substances when placed in the pool will eventually be
transmutated into sterile water, which will remain sterile even
after being removed from 242 and introduced to a non-sterile
environment.
A sample taken from 242 and poured into a container of water
that has been tinted with red food coloring, but did not mix,
but rather stayed together as a non-misc-miscable bubble.
Subsequent examination of samples shows them to be nothing
more than pure sterile water.
So basically anything comes in contact with it turns it into
water.
The length of time required for the transmutation to complete is
dependent on the nature of the substance placed into 242.
Ordinary river water samples from New Mexico was completely
sterilized in seven minutes.
Stagnant pond water was sterilized in 18 minutes.
50,000 liters of coal tar was converted over the course of 12
days.
The pool contains nothing but sterile water.
50,000 liters of uh coal tar?
Well, the pool itself can fit 53,000 liters of water, so I'm
sure you find a way.
SPEAKER_00: So do they drain it?
Okay.
SPEAKER_03: No, you don't ask questions, you don't know what
answers to, you know.
SPEAKER_00: You know, I mean I guess maybe you throw some in,
wait for it to dissolve, throw a more and wait for it to
dissolve.
SPEAKER_03: Oh yeah, like over the course of the 12 days.
Maybe.
While the pool contains nothing but sterile water, there's no
apparent action of any of the features in the pool.
Uh once a non-water substance is placed in the pool, the water
jets and waterfall will come on even if disconnected from a
power source.
The pool vacuum, if attached, will also activate and drive
around the bottom of the pool, even through extremely viscous
liquids.
There is no cycling of water into or out of the filtration
system.
Pipes leading to the filtration system have been completely
removed and shown to be empty and dry while pool contents were
being sterilized.
Now, the one last thing I want to read is an incident that
occurred.
Um during a time when the home was vacant but being monitored
by a hidden video camera, a man and woman, apparently in their
early 20s, scaled the rear wall and gained access 242.
They proceeded to undress and go swimming into the two vinyl
inflatable rafts acquired from the shed in the backyard.
After the water jets came on, the female was startled and
indicated that she wanted to leave.
The male claimed that it was just an automatic timer coming
out on to clean the pool, and there is nothing to worry about.
The couple continued to swim and engage in intimate activities.
Twenty-four minutes after the jet started, the female was
heard to say that the water was really warm and made her feel
tingly.
The male agreed.
Both climbed onto the respective rafts and fell asleep holding
hands.
Twenty-nine minutes after the jet started, both of the rafts
popped within four seconds of each other, and the couples were
again immersed completely in the water.
At this time, significant frothing of the water began with
a deep red color being given off from the subjects' locations.
Subjects were heard to scream loudly and both attempted to
exit the pool.
Before exit was possible, the couple went under the surface.
The frothing stopped, and the pool went from red to clear
approximately 48 seconds later.
The decision was made to institute a live guard at the
pool.
After two weeks, a story was leaked to the press that the
couple had eloped to an unknown location somewhere in Mexico.
So we pretty much have the pool version of the blob.
SPEAKER_00: But it's sterile water, but it's acid.
SPEAKER_03: But I I I like that one.
It's a fun it's a fun concept, but it's a generic concept I've
seen time and time again.
It's it's your blob, it's your the stuff, it's you know good
body dump things of that nature.
Good body dump and location.
You're not wrong.
You're not wrong at all.
SPEAKER_00: That's where the government's hiding people that
disappear.
SPEAKER_01: That is.
SPEAKER_03: That is.
SPEAKER_00: That is.
SPEAKER_03: All right, out of out of the four that we've we've
heard today, five, sorry, which do we think would be a better
hacker?
SPEAKER_00: I think it's the gayest man alive.
SPEAKER_03: Really?
I think it's the penis.
Because if you touch the penis, you get hacking.
You can just wish for the magic hacking powers.
But what's your what's your reasoning behind the gayest man
alive?
SPEAKER_00: The gayest man alive is the weakest link to any
system is people, always.
And with any system that has it contains information that you
might want, there's someone who has the ability to gain access
to that system.
So if you're the gayest man alive, all you've got to do is
find somebody who can get you in contact with somebody who can
get access to this system and tell them to do it.
SPEAKER_03: Uh get him in your trap.
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
unknown: Okay.
SPEAKER_03: The penis thing.
I guess it's the not the penis that's doing it, it's the it's
whoever's holding it.
So it's not necessarily SCP.
But I'm still gonna count it.
SPEAKER_00: The penis thing I m I guess maybe you could do the
same thing.
But I don't think there's a lot of situations where I don't
think the penis would work because it says that it's
limited by the penis's ability to make it happen.
Which means I take to just mean that it can't do things that are
impossible.
SPEAKER_03: So I mean it made it made Ben Franklin blast off into
orbit.
I don't know about that.
SPEAKER_00: That wasn't something Ben Franklin asked
for.
That was just a thing that was collateral damage.
That just happened.
SPEAKER_03: That that was it was involuntary?
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
Um so I take that to mean you if if a system is really secure,
you couldn't say hold this penis.
You couldn't say penis, hack this, get it, get into this, log
into this thing.
Though I guess it would just magically know I guess it would
just magically know passwords, though, right?
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I don't know.
SPEAKER_00: You could just say it's very vague to say penis,
put in the password to this.
unknown: Yeah.
SPEAKER_00: And I guess it's that's possible.
Hmm.
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
Well, the whole point of it is like hacking is to get that
information.
So you could just be like penis, make me the best hacker in the
world, and then you would develop the skill to acquire
that password or something.
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, or well, I guess you could say penis, print
out all the information in this database.
That too.
SPEAKER_03: And it would just do I think it goes to the I think
it goes to the penis.
Yeah, the penis is the best hacker.
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so you might be right.
It might be the penis.
Yeah, the gay man's a close second, though.
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I agree.
Uh, but followed by uh copper junkie.
Yeah.
Because he has he's just he's a guy with basic rudimentary
mathematics skills.
So and the other one is a baseball signal and a pool.
So I think just in terms of ability, I think he's got it.
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, the baseball signal is not getting you
anywhere at all.
And then the pool, I think the pool ranks over the baseball
signal because the pool you could use as a weapon.
You could take if you have somebody who has access to a
system you want to get into, if you're able to get them, you
could like stick their arm in the pool and walk, like stick a
finger in the pool, and they'll watch it dissolve and be like,
I'm gonna keep dunking more body parts in here until you tell me
the password or whatever.
SPEAKER_03: Gotcha.
So you're going you're you we're with the when it comes to the
pool, it's no longer about hacking, it's a torture method
to get the information you want.
Hacking.
SPEAKER_00: That's social engineering in a way.
SPEAKER_03: That's human hacking.
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, there's a term for that.
There's a term for that.
It's called social engineering.
And that's the legitimate hacking.
It's actually a hacking method that most pen testers use, and
it's usually the most successful one.
SPEAKER_03: Yep, that's the one that we learn the most about at
our work.
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
So anything you can use to persuade someone or get gain
control over someone is.
SPEAKER_01: That's fair.
That's hacking.
SPEAKER_03: Why?
Wow.
Wowie wowie.
Wowie zowie.
What did we learn today?
We learned that a magic penis can solve all your problems in
life.
Including hacking.
Um if you guys would like to hear more of these, uh, again,
this was a little snippet of what we do on our Patreon on the
website, either delete.com or patreon.com.
Uh, if you want to hear more, go ahead and uh sign up and uh go
from there.
Um, you can also send us an email at dulepot.gmail.com if
you just want to say hey, we respond to just about all those
if we can.
Uh if you come across a magic penis, you could use that to
wish for a kiss from my dad.
And he might give it to you.
SPEAKER_01: Might.
That would you got for people?
SPEAKER_00: Uh the guy from Boston died.
SPEAKER_03: All right, man.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00: That's awesome.
SPEAKER_03: Come on, everybody.
SPEAKER_00: If you like well, I mean, I guess it's bad in
general.
But if you if you're like Boston, that's really bad.
That is really bad.