The Dog Code: What Dogs Teach Us About Confidence | Wendy Alexander

What if your dog understands something about life that you've spent years trying to learn? From setting boundaries to trusting your instincts, the lessons might be closer than you think. Welcome to INsights & Straight Talk with Rodd Duff and Producer Barbie, where real conversations explore the experiences, challenges, and opportunities shaping the Great Middle Class. In this episode, returning guest Wendy Alexander joins Rodd for a remarkable conversation about resilience, leadership, personal reinvention, and her book, The Dog Code.

This has been an experience of amazement to me.

Before you leave, if you'd like to watch another

one of the podcasts, click the first link in

the description. We love having you here and

we appreciate all your support. And with that,

producer Barbie and I are out. I love that tune.

I just love that tune and you guys never see

it, but. I'm always dancing in the background

for about a minute and a half of glass of love.

So everybody, welcome to Insights and Straight

Talk. I'm Rod Duff. And producer Barbie is around

here somewhere. She's nearby keeping me out of

trouble. Or probably more realistically, she's

documenting the evidence of the trouble I'm getting

into. And also today, I was just talking. We

have an old friend coming back to the table.

Who's about right just got engaged to the the

gentleman I usually work with on on her episodes,

but wendy alexander's back now Wendy and I had

one of those conversations on the first time

around where you forget You're even doing a show

Um, we we talked about leadership, of course

confidence Rebuilding your life finding your

voice And we laughed we laughed a lot and She

and I already have been laughing, and her soon

-to -be husband is a comical guy. So when I heard

Wendy, I've written a new book. I thought, OK,

great. Leadership? Careers? Confidence? Nope.

Dogs. The book is called The Dog Cove. And before

anybody gets confused, Wendy has not abandoned

the human race to become a dog trainer, although...

We gotta admit this after hosting more than I

think we're this is 642 right now. This is episode

642 So after more than 600 conversations with

human beings, I gotta admit I understand the

temptation that Wendy had that uh, leaving the

human uh, Uh rights there because windy here's

the thing. She started looking at the things

dogs seem to understand naturally you know, loyalty,

trust, instinct, boundaries, becoming present,

joy. Think about this. A dog doesn't wake up

Monday morning wondering if anybody liked their

LinkedIn post. A dog doesn't spend three hours

writing an email explaining why he can't make

the meeting. And when a dog doesn't like somebody,

well, let's just say this. Let's just say the

communication is usually pretty clear Meanwhile,

we humans will say Absolutely, i'd love to And

then spend the next three days wondering why

the hell we said yes Maybe the dogs are onto

something here because underneath the humor Is

a serious question When did we become so worried

about pleasing everybody else? that we stopped

listening to ourselves. Wendy's lived through

reinvention, remember last show, corporate leadership,

financial pressure, single motherhood, burnout,

and starting over. So today we're gonna talk

about what all of that taught her and why some

surprisingly good lessons about being human maybe

may have been sitting right next to us the whole

time and Wendy told you this I hinted at this

before the show, but I want to warn you As you

know, I have two dogs Boomer and Daisy. They're

always right over here next I didn't bring them

to me but if I discovered during this conversation

that they've been actually That they've actually

been smarter than me that all these years. I'm

blaming you for that when they Wendy Alexander,

welcome to insights and straight talk. What do

you say? Let's have some more fun. Sorry, I'm

stuck on a button here. Welcome back, Wendy.

It's good to have you. Hello, hello, everyone.

Thank you for having me, Rod. It's great to be

here. I said in the opening, I really enjoyed

our last conversation. And obviously, the topic

is spot on. This is about empowering the great

middle class. one conversation at a time. Now

I also like to say one mangum at a time, because

we're doing a lot in the city here. But with

that said, we had a lot of fun last time. Your

husband's a crack up. I love communicating with

him. And I love chatting with you. I saw he stuck

his head in there right before we went live.

If he wants to pop back in during the show, I'd

love to give him away. But in the meantime, as

you know we like to start these off with uh so

what was the journey what was the inflection

point what started you onto this path you know

a lot of these people have heard this but i'm

sure a lot of people have we have almost a hundred

on already a hundred people coming on but just

kind of a brief remembrance of what started this

journey for you okay so the writing journey really

began i suppose with the difficult journey began.

So that was in Cape Town, South Africa, where

I grew up. And back in those days, South Africa

was governed by what they call apartheid, which

was segregation. So you had the whites, blacks,

and I was considered colored, mixed race, segregated.

and growing up in that environment. Before we

move on from that, but just put a pin on that

because you were a child when apartheid was that

it's before it started to be right. It's peak.

Yeah. Yeah. What did that feel like? I mean,

what was the feeling? Okay, so I didn't actually

know that I was living in a segregated society

I figured that would be the case you or what

is yeah at this age. What is yes? So when I found

out that I was I was seven So try to that prior

to that. You're a kid you're living life You

playing hopscotch you running around with the

neighbors and you don't really know that you're

living in this Disharmonious environment put

it that way And then we went to the beach one

summer. I just said good way to put that, sorry.

Okay, yeah, no problem. And then one summer we

went to the beach and it was an abandoned beach

with a group of friends and we were building

sandcastles. My brother and I remember that really

clearly. And next thing I saw these two sets

of boots, black boots. So I looked up and there

were two police officers. And they basically

said, what are you doing here? And I was like,

why are they asking me what I'm doing here? I'm

only seven years old. I'm playing on the beach.

I'm on a beach. What do you mean, what am I doing

here? And then very quickly informed us that

we were on a whites only beach and we had to

leave. And so, you know, I can try to compute

all this with my young brain. But I took a look

at my dad and I could see the tension in his

body that, you know, children, Tune into body

language and things, you know much like animals

and dogs, you know, they The vibration of tuning

in and knowing even without knowing that something's

off Um, so I noticed their little sponges they

take every they know more by watching us in interaction

Than with us actually trying to teach them and

teach them right tell them It's always about

show, you know rather than tell Yep. Um, and

so I knew something was off And then dad just

and my the other family friends gathered us up

and said it's time to go and You know me being

who I was I was very curious kid So we in the

car driving and I'm like, why couldn't why do

we have to leave the beach? And I'm nagging my

father about this and he just said Can you for

once just be quiet? And I thought he's never

told me that because dad's always he always encouraged

my curiosity used to read books to me used to

read poetry all these things everything I want

to know about he would encourage me and he says

be quiet and I thought uh -oh so as soon but

then as soon as we got home he sat us down he

sat his children down so there's five of us I've

got four siblings and said This is the country

you're living in and he told us about apartheid

and what it meant and why we lived in a neighborhood

with people that looked so much like us. So when

we went into the city, you'd see the different,

you'd see, you know, very dark skinned people.

So the black tribes and you'd see my color skin,

you know, colored and then you'd see white people.

But in the neighborhood, you never saw people

that looked very different to you. because they're

all the same segregation right across the board

yeah and so he so explains all this wait wait

wait hold on hold on just and i i'm sure there's

a silly question but dark skin versus light skin

is there a difference under apartheid or was

there yes so there so that so the black tribe

they were the tribal people were the very dark

skinned people they were They were the originators

of the land. But then obviously, you know, there's

this migration across centuries and so on and

so on. And then there's the mixed race. So even

though they forbid people to mix and to marry,

people do it. It's human nature. And so the colored

race emerges from the mixture of the black and

the white race. And so this is what I'm called

Cape colored because I've got the white heritage

in me and the black heritage. Right. And so dad's

explaining all of this to us. And then I remember

being so confused and not understanding all of

that. And from a child, I always loved writing

and I used to write little stories and I just

started to write. That was where writing began

for me. I was trying to make sense of the world

that I suddenly realized I was living in and

started to write. And it was stories, it was

poetry. you know, but I didn't really get fully

into writing until much later and then I became

a very rebellious teenager and an activist in

the political movement. So I went through a lot

of hardship there because, you know, Dad was

trying to tell me he was very much a man of education,

you know, get your education up so that you can

have more opportunities because he told us what

the limitations were on us. This is what it means

for you to be growing up as a person of color

in this country. and your opportunities are limited,

so you're gonna have to work hard and so on.

So he drilled all of that into us. Meanwhile,

I'm writing through my way through all of this,

but I went through a lot. I was tear gassed,

I was whipped because of the political activism.

So when you rebelled against - Hold on, hold

on. I don't think we talked about that part last

time, and I don't want this show to turn into

that, but I didn't realize how, I mean, you were

whipped. Oh, yeah, you know when you when you

when you rebelling against the government and

you sure thing and all of that we see Look, it's

not like I don't have social media. We see all

of this stuff going on all over but there's a

difference between Rebelling for what's right

and in history obviously shows that you're on

the right side of history there, but then there's

also uh rebelling just to be i mean look at what's

happening in france right now yes yes you know

but this was you changed the world i mean what

you were rebelling was was something that ended

up changing that go on with what your story was

but i didn't want to put a little pin in that

you were whipped and beaten and in the streets

and teardrops and all that for yeah it was rebelling

and so then the police would come in with force

you know and so you get caught up in the in that

whole force that was happening and so you know

that was when dad started to think about leaving

the country because my mother was just her blood

pressure was so sky high all the time because

she didn't know what was happening. Pardon my

apologies is your mother black man and your father

white? Well, no, no, no, they both colored. They

both what we call colored because they mix. OK,

so so they're both going through the same thing.

Go ahead, go ahead. Going. Yeah, but mom was

really worried about her. Of course. Come home

safe. Always safe. Because, you know, it wasn't

just there was tear gassing, there was whipping.

But sometimes they would open fire. Young kids

were killed, you know, in that whole civil unrest.

And so. In the end, dad decided, my dad started

applying to migrate to Australia. It took us

12 years, you know, and perseverance. So years

where the lesson in perseverance come, I learned

that from my father. 12 years, were you still

in South Africa? Yes, still in South Africa.

Yeah. And you're applying and you're getting

rejected, getting rejected and you're having

to keep, you know, we would always know that

we were rejected because dad's face would just

say it all. right and so um his sister came over

in that 12 years probably about the seventh year

one of his sisters came to came to Australia

for a holiday and met someone and she married

an Aussie um and so then migration became easier

because it was done on family reunion yeah because

one of your family members did that so now you

have a different things now for the United States.

There's a lot of different stuff. Go ahead, go

ahead. Yeah, and so eventually we, you know,

after 12 years of trying, I think I was age 20,

almost 21 when we finally were given the nod

to migrate. So I spent all of my childhood and

my teenage years in South Africa. I did my first

year of university in South Africa and then came

to Australia. Now, you know, Australia had its

own Challenges for me personally, one was it

took us a while to adapt. Migration is not easy.

People think it's easy. Even if you come from

a real language, the language is the same, different

accents, but the language is at least it wasn't

that. Yeah, the language is the same. But you're

looking at trying to adapt to an environment

where suddenly you have all this freedom. I mean,

one of the things I do remember and I realized

the state of mind when I realized what had happened

was we, my cousin took me into the city one day.

I think we'd only been here about six months

or something. And I said to her, we're waiting

for the train. And I said to her, which carriage

do I get in? And she goes, what do you mean?

And I said, well, in South Africa, I'm only allowed

to get in that car. She goes, you're not in South

Africa anymore. You can get in any carriage.

But I was looking for the colored only carriage.

Right. So I was like, oopsie, you know, you start

to go, wow, I'm carrying a lot of this stuff

still with me, despite the fact that I no longer

live in that country. It takes a while to unscramble

the programming and the mindset. Because from

birth, literally from birth all the way up into

young adulthood, you said 20 -ish, 20, you were,

I didn't even connect with that. That would be

really tough. Because socially, you're starting

from zero again, right? Socially, life is different.

Life is very different. So it took, well, it

took about two years before I felt like I could

sort of relax. Yeah. But I will say through,

and so they threw all of that, you know, the

writing was a companion. It became like a companion

to me. And I didn't publish anything. I was just

writing a lot of, a lot of my thoughts, I was

writing a lot of poetry, trying to also, I suppose,

self -therapize myself through writing, put it

that way. I do the same thing. Therapy, I mean,

that's why I started the show, is because of

a book I wrote. The only reason I wrote a book

is because of therapy. Go ahead. Yeah, yeah.

And so, you know, and then, you know, life happened,

I got into a relationship. Now, that was where

there was some major, major challenges. in Australia

was that relationship was um I was with him for

nine years but it was a very up and down relationship

you know and towards the end of it I felt pregnant

and right at the end of that relationship I was

four months pregnant when that relationship ended

and it ended with domestic violence so I almost

lost the baby so I have been put it what I'm

saying is I've been through a lot of stuff That

is the biggest understatement I have ever heard

my language freaking heard in my life. Yeah,

you've been through a lot of stuff. Okay, so

So there there was there's physical abuse. You're

four months pregnant. I almost lost the baby

and and the marriage I in Before before the baby's

even born and so you're we took we talked about

single motherhood, but literally single all the

way from the start. From the start. I'd say a

little understated there about you going through

a few things. So go ahead with what you were

saying, Wendy. Well, look, that was the rock

bottom of my life. That was the rock bottom because

I'd come to a new country. I thought I was going

to have this very different life. I'd graduated

from university, started working, was in this

relationship. Then suddenly I'm alone. I'm pregnant,

and I lost, we lost, I lost our home because

he walked away. He left me with the debt, he

left me, he just walked away from all responsibility.

So there I am, I lose the home, I have this massive

debt, and I've just given birth to a baby. And

I'm like, where do I start? You know, I didn't

know where to start. I had moved back home with

my parents. Thank God for them, because they

helped me through that time with my daughter.

Were they in, were they in? Australia now? Yes,

so the whole family had migrated. Remember I

said we migrated to as a family. Literally as

a whole family unit. Okay, I didn't get it. I

thought it was one here, there, there. No, no.

Whole family unit migrated in 87. That'd be wild.

Look, where the whole career pathway started

for me was I looked at the One day, I, you know,

first of all, I cried for months. I cried, I

was like, you know, I was down and my parents

sort of got me through that. But I was like,

I can't spend my life crying. And I knew, I was

like, I want to give this child a great life.

And I'm like, where do I start? Okay, I have

this massive debt. There was a $50 ,000 debt

that I had. I have this massive debt. And I'm

like, I'm not making enough money to clear this

debt in a reasonable time frame. So it's like,

what do I do? Okay, who do I talk to? So I actually

started there again, writing, I wrote out, you

know, what do I need to do to get out of this

situation? I need to talk to the people that

hire people. That was what came to my head. I've

got to talk to the people that hire people. So,

okay, recruiters, recruitment companies, they

usually hire for corporates. Or if I can get

directly in touch with some hiring managers,

I need to improve my prospects. And that was

where I started. And I reached out to a bunch.

I made a list of all the recruiters I knew, and

I reached out to them and asked them for a coffee,

because I could only afford to buy them a coffee.

But there was so much debt. I was like, I'm going

to buy them a coffee and I'm going to pick their

brains. And so that's how it started for me.

Now, we'll say, if you're authentic, and you

reach out with authenticity and maybe even a

bit of vulnerability, most human beings will

step up and help you. And that's what happened

to me. I just took them for a coffee and said,

this is the situation and I need to make more

money. What kind of job can I get that will help

me make more money? Because I didn't actually

really care at that stage about what job. It

was like, I just need to make more money. And

they showed me the ropes. showed me how to write

my resume, they practiced interview sessions

with me, and I just started there. And it took

me about six months or seven months before I

landed an interview that was going to increase

my financial prospects. So I went for the interview

and I didn't get the job and I was bitterly disappointed

and I cried again and again. But I went back

to one of the recruiters that had been helping

me. And I said, look, I didn't get that role.

And she said to me, go back to the company. Go

back to the company and ask them for feedback.

She said, often people remember you when you

take an initiative. And so I went back to the

lady that had interviewed me. And I said, listen,

I know I didn't get the job. And I respect your

decision. Can you give me some feedback? Because

I would like to get better at this. I'd like

to get better at interviewing and better at writing

my resume and so on. Smart move by your recruitment

group. And she did. She was one of those people

that did respond to me and gave me feedback and

said, look, when you were answering questions,

you were nervous and that's fine. We understand

that people get a bit nervous in interviews,

but you said you waffled too long. Sometimes

you didn't answer. the question, right? So she

gave me some really brilliant feedback and I

took that and I went away and practiced and practiced

and practiced. I spoke to the baby. The baby

was in the bassinet. I would talk to the baby.

I would talk in the mirror and I just kept practicing.

And then probably about two or three months after

not getting that other job, I got another opportunity

at an interview. And then I, and I aced that

interview and I got the job. And the job was

paying about $40 ,000 more than I was earning.

And I was stunned. I nearly fell off my chair

when they offered me. That's life changing, right?

It was life changing. It was the start where

my entire life turned around. But one of the

things, so here's where some negotiation and

a bit of confidence, you need to Look, I had

been working on myself. I'd gone through therapy.

I recognized that I was in a mess after that

relationship. There was also a lot of stuff that

I was carrying with me from South Africa, from

inferiority and all of the stuff that had been

plugged and programmed into my mind. And so I

worked on all of that. and started to, when I

went for the interview and I was negotiating,

so here's a tip for the audience is like, for

me, there was only two things that mattered at

that point. It was, I wanted to be a good mom

to my daughter, and I wanted to make more money

to be able to start giving us a good life. Nothing

else mattered at that stage. And so I ended up

saying to them when I was in the interview, I

said, listen, I am a single mom and I want to

know what your policy is about supporting single

moms, and would you allow me to work from home

some of the time? Now this is 30 years ago, when

my daughter's 28 now. This is when it didn't

exist. But I think maybe, I don't know if it

was the way I asked or because I was honest,

they said sure. And I said to them, let's trial

it for three months because you always got to

meet people halfway. You can't just make demands

or ask for stuff and then you're not prepared

to give something either. This is what I found

in negotiating in career and career growth. So

I said to them, let's trial it for three months.

And if it works well, then then we keep it going.

But if it doesn't, we come back to the negotiation

table. We talk about a different way. Obviously,

in my head, I was like, I'm going to make this

work. I'm gonna make this shit work, right? And

I did. I worked hard. When I worked from home,

I was always available and so on and so on. And

I delivered ahead of my schedules. I delivered

under budget. In the end, they were happy to

keep going. Happy for me to work and I would

go into the office one day a week. I'd have all

my meetings with my teams and then the rest of

the time I worked from home. So I set up that

right from the start because for me it was I

needed to be available to my daughter and I need

to work. Hey, look at this folks. We have not

only somebody who's an author, who's an entrepreneur,

who's built quite a career, but also a trendsetter.

I mean technically you started, now what's it

called, what's the term, remote employees. You

were decades ahead of your time. Yeah. So I see

there's a question. And unfortunately a pandemic

as well. Yeah, I'm glad you brought up the question.

You're absolutely right. Because I see one from

Dixon Rood. So he's asking about how important

are boundaries when it comes to confidence. I

brought that up. Now remember a little rule.

We have a partnership here. I read the questions

because I want to read them. and maybe just them

sometimes. And then you, the guest, read the

comments and reply back to them. So I brought

this up because we were talking about confidence,

and you were talking about confidence. And one

thing we really haven't gotten into yet is the

theme. I love the approach of this new book when

you're talking about dogs. I mean, what was laid

out there is awesome because We can take I mean,

it's natural to want to set up boundaries It's

natural to have all these things But when did

we stop listening to ourselves is basically the

theme of this of this show here today And and

I like what Dixon has you're right with you.

I like what he had Wendy How important are boundaries

when it comes to confidence because you said

just a minute ago? I've got to do a little give

-and -take but you also got to understand the

boundary importance of that comment when you're

negotiating too, right? Yeah. Well, for me, obviously,

I'm hoping that that illustrated the boundary.

For me, the boundary was that I needed to be

a mom too. I couldn't just be a corporate professional

and they take over my whole life. So I established

that boundary right from the start. Like I said,

motherhood is important to me too. Yes, I'm a

professional. Yes, I want to deliver. I'm going

to be available. But motherhood is big. And that

is my boundary. And so, and I actually, when

I did that interview, I landed the role, maybe

because I did state, I said to them, I'm interviewing

you as much as you interviewing me. And this

has to work for both of us. And you're in your

late 20s? I'm in my 30s, my early 30s. I was

30 years old when I had my daughter. You're not

even grown up yet, technically. I mean, but go

on, go on. That's impressive. I set that up and

I did that for a reason because you're not even

30 yet and we all know at 30, we're kind of growing

up but I know looking back at 60 now how I called

the guy that was 40 years old, kind of a youngster

the other day and somebody said, he's a grown

up man. But you know what, 40, you don't know

that much. But you had, look at the story we're

talking about right now and this is about confidence.

And Clive here, I think you're hitting a nerve

with him here because he wants to know what's

the first step in becoming more competent. And

that's a big problem. I mean, 30 years old, you're

doing things that I don't think 50 year olds

typically necessarily would necessarily do. Some

would, some wouldn't, right? That's why this

conversation is so important. I think Clive's

got a real interest in what you talk about here.

Yeah. So look, for me, it comes back to the motivation,

the why, as they call it. Oh, by the way, I forgot

to tell you, we have over 500 people. So you've

got a good audience going. Yeah, yeah, they jumped

on real big. So it's for me, the why was stronger.

The why was building confidence. Sometimes you've

got to identify why you need to do something.

That's the thing for me. It was I want to give

my daughter. a good life. I want to be a great

example to her. I don't want to be a victim.

Yes, I've been through a lot. I'd been through

a lot in South Africa. I'd been through a lot

in Australia. I'd come out of this domestic violent

relationship, but I didn't want to be a victim

of life. I was very clear about that. And I don't

even know where that came from. Maybe it did

come from all of those different things. And

my dad instilling confidence in us and pushing

us forward in a direction. Maybe it came from

all of that. But paramount in my mind was I'm

not going to become a victim of life and I'm

not going to show my daughter that I'm going

to fall apart at the seams. Sometimes it's difficult.

We go through life, it's hard. Life is never

easy. There's challenges always through every

phase of life. For me, certainly when I was a

child and found out about South Africa and about

teenage years being a political activist, and

all of these things. It wasn't easy. So I knew

I'm not going to be going forward with rose -tinted

glasses. And so in the end, it was identifying

what is the thing that's driving me? What's the

purpose? Purpose is very important. And my purpose

was to be a good mother and to be good at, to

basically be good at my word. If I said I'm going

to deliver something, I'm going to deliver it.

That's how you build a reputation and that's

how I built my reputation. So by the time I'd

gotten through those first years of now I've

earned more. I was able to clear the debt I had

built so much confidence and you know what confidence

came by doing Doing the hard stuff. It is not

something you can blink your way through you

can Even psych your way through sometimes you

got to jump in there and do the hard stuff because

the more you do it even if you're floundering

you build confidence by actually doing the difficult

things and I suppose in the end it was just walking

through the difficult road getting up every day

and walking through it and some days I didn't

feel like it there were days I didn't I was like

why me I felt sorry for myself I'm a single mom

and it's hard and I'm tired and I've got this

baby and but I was like no Put her in front of

me put the goal the goal was to give her a good

life The goal was to be a great example to her

the goal was to show her That women could be

strong that even if you come through difficult

times Even if you've been abandoned even if you've

lost everything you can get up You know the Chinese

have a proverb that says you know fall down seven

times get up eight I've lived my life by that

I love that and you you kind of started that

that that conversation portion Started it off

and then ended it with I and I'm sorry. I was

listening the whole time, but I wanted to write

down a note here um, basically That confidence

part that you're talking about is because you

were able to build an anchor when I'll use this

You built an anchor in a mission that mission

being your daughter and I use an example on the

show You know, and that's why I like to start

off with the journeys of people's lives. Yeah

quite honestly, yeah Have you ever heard the

term centurions and I don't know if I brought

this up or we talked about it. No, no So in the

80s or 90 maybe it was even the 70s. They did

a study on These groups of people all over the

world. There were groups of people that lived

beyond 100 years old Just consistently And they

couldn't figure out what it would be, so they

started a study. Why are these groups of people

all over the world living to be over 100? Now,

keep in mind, this is what average age men is

75 or something. Yeah, yeah. It's not 100, although

that's getting better. But anyway, so they started

this research. Every place had different foods,

different elevations, different temperatures,

weather. you know on all these things but what

they ended up finding out you know they studied

the monks they studied uh the mormons here in

kansas area they studied different groups like

that and what they discovered is that when you

have a mission you use the word a mission you

know your your mission when you have a mission

in life it does all these things you have a purpose

in life right it does all these things including

We talk about quality and quantity of life. If

you have a journey, if you have a mission, you're

typically going to probably get both. You're

going to get more quality and more longevity

in life. So this is a good question. I want to

take it back a little bit here to what Antoni

says here. Take it back a little bit here. Back

to the dog conversation, you know, and I brought

up in the opening monologue. So one of the things

dogs are really good at is expressing their feelings.

Living in the moment feeling joy and and having

instincts and trusting those instincts, you know

when my dogs Know certain things about me. They

know those instincts they trust and act accordingly

But as I put the opening monologue, when did

we start caring about other people so much to

the point where we stopped listening to ourselves

and I think and Tony is a great question here,

and I think it's important for you, for her,

for this. How can we learn to trust our instincts

more? Because I have trouble with that. I mean,

you listen to your voice, your gut instinct,

right? We have three brains, the brain of the

head, the brain of the heart, the emotions, and

then instinct, the brain, the gut. But we don't

listen to our gut instinct as much anymore. How

do you get back to that? Well, look for me, I

will say part of it was to do with my dog Nala,

you know, so and Nala. Yeah, she's a Yorkshire

area. She's cheeky as anything. So sweet. Yeah,

but when I so along the and I've always loved

and had dogs. This one is different because she

came right at COVID as well. Right. So when the

pandemic happened, we got her literally a month

before that. Wow. And that was when I started

to observe because I think, you know, you, you,

you, you isolated at home. I'm in Melbourne,

Australia, which was the most locked down city

in the world. Anyone who knows what happened

there knows we were. So we, we had home the dog

and I was watching, I'm watching this dog's behavior

because obviously now suddenly I've got time,

right? I don't have to run everywhere. You're

not allowed to run anywhere. You stuck in a five

kilometer radius. We only got. one hour of exercise.

You could go outside for one hour, you know,

in Melbourne. So the dog is there and I'm watching

this dog and I just noticed how she operated

in life, you know, instinctually and with no

apology. Here's the thing that's the most important

I think with dogs is that she, if she didn't

want to do something, if she wanted to go and

lie in the sun in the corner, there was no questioning,

there was nothing. She would just do it. Yep.

Yep. And, you know, as humans, you go, oh, she

doesn't want to sit next to me and I get all

huffy and all upset. Oh, why? But she didn't

care about that. She wanted her son and she didn't

care that I was upset or that I felt a little

bit rejected or something. And I thought, wow,

look at this dog just doing what she wants to

do. But with no malice. there was no malice,

you know, animals don't come with that malice.

She was just in this moment in time, I need to

go lie in the sun. And I started and that was

one of the first things I noticed about her.

And obviously, I've got time we isolated in during

the pandemic. But I started to write notes and

observe this behavior of my dog. And then I started

to try and marry it up to leadership and how

to live so that the subtitle of the book is called

ancient wisdom live lead and love better and

it's right there the animals are showing us all

the time having said that i'm not going to take

all the credit because i don't know if i would

have stopped to observe that if i wasn't in that

situation i would have kept being busy in life

like we all are we so we so busy being busy that

we don't pause long enough to actually take a

look around and see where we can learn some of

the lessons. Or, you know, to the question of

instincts, where we can pause and actually find

out what our instincts are. Because they always

have been there. Makes so much sense. Makes so

much sense. They're always there. We're the ones

that don't pause. We're the ones that don't.

We're chasing. You know, we're like, you know,

hamsters on a wheel. We're just chasing something

all the time, whether it is chasing more money,

whether it is chasing a better career, whether

sometimes we have to chase health because our

health has fallen by the wayside. We've got to

go on a mission to, you know, reset our health.

Whatever it is, none of us and myself included

don't pause long enough to go, what is my gut

telling me? What do I feel right in my innards?

And it's usually you can feel it in the heart

and you can feel it in the gut. It's not a brain

thing. It's not a brain thing. That's the one

time where you Disregard what the brain is telling

you because the brain is gonna try and logicalize

everything Well, not not only that not only that

but just to add to what you're talking about

the brain something I've been thinking a lot

about lately, but the brain the brain doesn't

know facts the brain Pulls in through your lenses

right your eyes that what information you have

using the filter of your life Correct what your

brain is? built up and thinking and judging.

I mean, it's like they say, you can look at something

and see an image or say in the clouds, but your

brain fills in the reality and it's fascinating.

Go on with what you're saying. Well, I think

the brain adds its layers of meaning and the

layers of meaning come from your experience.

Yes. Your life's experience. And so we could

look at something or we can watch, you know,

I can look at my dog and I can go, oh, she's

rejecting me because she won't sit next to me

on the couch because she's gone to lie in the

sun. The dog is not even thinking about rejecting

me. The dog wants the sun. But I've added the

layer of meaning. And these are some of the things

that I started to observe. So when I was observing

her, Nala, doing what Nala wanted to do, instinctually

and not only instinctually, joyfully, because

dogs are joyful. What they do, they do joyfully.

When she goes and lies in the sun, she stretches

and she's so joyful. And I'm like, yeah, I've

just added a layer of meaning of rejection. The

dog is as joyful as anything. She doesn't even

care that I'm sitting there thinking she's rejecting

me. And that was one of the thoughts I had, but

then I started to notice so many other things,

how they operate. They're authentic. Dogs are

authentic. What you see is what you get. And

if someone walks through that door, that the

dog has an instinct or... a feeling about they

let you know straight away oh yeah what do we

do as humans we don't pause or someone walks

into the room and you you get the sense there's

something in you that goes oh that feels a bit

off what do we do we make excuses or we go oh

maybe that person's just tired or oh maybe i'm

just tired or whatever We don't trust the instinct

because we haven't paused to firstly figure out

what our instincts are telling us. And we have

been conditioned by society to be polite. So

sometimes we will choose politeness and appropriateness

over our own gut instinct on something or someone.

I mean, the same applies to even a job or...

a house sometimes you go and you you go and look

at a house your house hunting you walk in and

you just know the vibe is off you just know that

that house is not for you but you go oh it's

got you know 90 percent of what i said i wanted

and so i think what we need to do is learn to

first of all pause to identify that the instincts

are the strongest barometer the strongest compass

to live your life by. And then as I said from

my dog, I just, I started to observe these things,

you know, how she would set boundaries, you know,

if she didn't want to do something, how she would,

and sometimes they don't necessarily bark. Someone

will come in or someone will come on the grounds.

She'll just remove herself from the room. Let

you know very quietly, ah, mommy, that vibe is

off. That vibe is off. I'm not doing that, you

know? They are, they're also very good at being

present, you know, like a dog. I mean, there's

a lot of humor. I'm glad you brought that up

right there. So I want to keep with that. By

the way, just so you know, just to kind of update

you, we've got that 542, I think it is. I don't

see it now, but anyway, but we're coming up on

45 minutes already. I mean, yeah, I know it's

just went by like that. So, and we've got at

least a dozen questions here between questions

or comments. Should I be watching time? I mean,

right now it's looking more like an hour and

15 minutes probably. Yeah, that's okay. That's

okay. All right, all right. That's fine. Then

let's move on here. Dixon here has a great, great

comment on what you were just talking about or

question actually. What can dogs teach us about

staying present? And also, There was another

question here about setting boundaries and being

more confident. To me, setting boundaries is

hard, is a harder thing to do, I think, for people.

But once you have those boundaries, and you're

confident and comfortable within the expression

of those boundaries, like what you're talking

about with your dog. Sorry, I was just gonna

I was thinking something funny to say but I'm

not gonna say the uh, so once that happens obviously

you're gonna become more confident because You

you feel comfortable within your with the boundary

set just like you were talking about with the

example of the dog but also Same thing with dogs

here, you know, how do you become more present

in the moment? You know that that's one thing

I noticed my dogs like when I come home, you

want them carrying stuff. It's like I have to

literally get it down so I can sit down and enjoy

the five minutes with them of just their butts

wagging. My dogs are big. My dog's tail. One

of my dog's tail. Man, when he hits you with

the wagging tail, he knocks stuff off the table

and you can feel it. But, you know, they're present.

They're in the moment. They have made me a better

person because of some of these things and there's

a lot of dog questions here. So why don't we

hit these two? Let me hit these so we don't get

too rushed at the end. I want to spend time with

everybody's comments or questions. Okay, okay.

So one of the things I noticed with Nala too,

I mean... what I noticed about myself was I thought

I was a very present person but then I also noticed

I was constantly on the phone and I'm and I and

so I mean there's some I write with a lot of

humor so there's there is a passage in the book

I'm paraphrasing where I say dogs don't go on

their phone to see what's on dog talk or anything

like that when they with you they with you you

know where and when they when I've at times been

unwell No, they know they should need it. They

know it she would come and she would just put

her head on my lap My dogs, you know, they know

when you need comfort They know when you need

them to be right next to you, you know that took

me that took me for the dog owners out there

They're necessarily always so in tune not that

there are people out there that are like that

But you know, it took me a little while after

hearing a conversation just like what you just

said You got to recognize that because they recognize

you better than you are willing to recognize

yourself sometimes. Yeah and the thing is where

I became really clear about how present she was

was that sometimes you know I might you know

if you tell your dog off or something you know

she's she's torn up something and you tell her

off a minute later that dog is right there wagging

his tail the moment is forgotten they're hanging

on to the previous moment where I've just told

her off is gone. And that was profound for me.

I was like, man, I just told her off and here

she is right next to me and the tail is wagging

and she's, I was like, this dog is fully present.

She's in this moment. The last moment has already

gone. She has not hung onto it. She's not looking

to the next moment, you know? Okay, maybe sometimes

when it comes to the food, she's looking to the

next moment. That's a good point. Because they

do know when it's dinner time, don't they? And

I don't think they ever stop thinking about dinner.

My dogs, they're big, right? I got one that's

140 pounds, and the little one is about 80 pounds.

But I'll feed them, especially Boomer, the bigger

ones. And 20 minutes later, he'll be looking

at me saying, I wonder if he forgot he fed me

already. I wonder if I can get another... They're

always thinking about food. Yeah, they motivated

and driven by it. But I mean, fundamentally,

they always present, you know, in the moment

when you when I take her for a walk. She's present

in that moment, smelling the flowers or doing

whatever she's doing. And sometimes I notice

I become impatient because I want to walk at

a certain pace. Right. And so I'm already into

the next moment. Now, dog is in this moment.

And these were tiny little observations, but

I was like, wow, imagine. And I started to just

test it a little bit. I started to put the phone

away at dinner time, all of these things, put

the phone away. Or when I went out with people,

I wouldn't take my phone out. And what I noticed

was that people started to tell me and share

a lot more because I was fully present. I was

just listening to them. And I was like, wow,

this is part of what we struggling with in the

world today. People don't feel heard. They don't

feel heard and they don't feel seen. But it's

because we've got gadgets, a gadget or gadgets

that's distracting us and pulling us from the

people that we love. So it improves relationships

being present. And that's learning. One of the

things that Nala taught me was that it improved

my relationships when I started to Be more present.

Put that gadget away. Put it out of reach and

just listen, right? To whatever it was that needed

to be said. Sorry, sorry. I was talking to somebody

two days ago about this, where our phones don't

want us to be silent for more than 30 seconds

at a time, right? It's this constant social media

bash about this. Let me get a couple more of

these guys here. We talked about Dixon and staying

present. There's a lot of dog questions here.

We got dog lovers out here. I'm going to actually

give you a comment and a question. Would you

read the comment first and then read the question

and reply to both? This is staying in that practice,

confidence, and boundaries. These questions are

coming up. There's a lot of interest in that

relationship with boundaries. and with confidence.

And I think a lot of people struggle with both.

Yeah, yeah. So read what Christina, Christina.

Christina, how can we practice confidence and

boundaries in our everyday life? Read the first

part. The conversation is so insightful. Thank

you. Thank you. Yeah, thank you very much. So

I found that they like interchangeable confidence

and boundaries, you know. the more you practice

the one the more you get better at the other

and they sort of so you're saying they're not

they're not uh inter they're they're connected

like very connected yeah because if we go back

to the story where i asked for the the the opportunity

to work from home i did ask that boss when i

eventually i eventually left that company i think

i was with them for about two two and a half

years and eventually left and we became very

good friends, my boss and I, and I said to him,

why did you actually, I said, just for sake of

interest, how come you agreed to that? When I

asked that question, can I work from home in

a time where it wasn't done? And he said to me,

it was, he said, two things happened for me.

First of all, he said, you asked it in a very

direct way, very honest, very authentic. So that

made me know that you Felt confident enough to

answer it But he said in that question was a

very strong boundary that you said you let me

know right from day one that your daughter was

number one and that You were willing to let this

job go if we couldn't meet you being a good mom

to your daughter you know, and so and Because

he said that to me. I learned that When you set

a boundary the message that you send to the person

listening to the person you asking something

of or you setting the boundary with is that You

believe in yourself enough now whether you having

to fake it till you make it whatever and you

still building that confidence But you believe

in yourself enough to actually ask for that Right

if you don't believe in yourself, and you don't

believe you deserve What you need? whatever that

need may be, in my case it was working from home

to be a mum to my daughter. Whatever that is

that you need, if you don't believe that you

deserve that, your vibration is going to carry

that across to the person. And they're not going

to give you what you want. So when you ask, when

you set a boundary, the boundary is usually honoured

when you're strong enough within your being And

the stronger you get within your being, the more

confident you become. It is like a little step

that you build, you know? It's kind of like a,

do you remember the back? It's probably 10, 15

years ago or so now. And it was a very powerful

moment for these kinds of conversations at the

time. Do you remember the secret? Yes, yes, yes,

yes. It's that vibration, what you're talking

about right now. Now there's more to it in what

we're talking about, but that vibration that

you're sending out, the frequencies out into

the atmosphere, right, or out into the world,

it attracts whatever you put out is attracted

to come back to, right? Absolutely. I mean, look,

I can go back and I can look at that relationship

that was so traumatic for me when it ended with

my daughter's father, I can look back at it now

and I know that that was a relationship that

I attracted based on how I was feeling about

myself, right? I had come through a lot of trauma.

There was a lot of things that happened in South

Africa. There was violence in my life because

of the beating and all those things, you know,

being a political activist and all the stuff

that I'd been through. So I attracted. this vibration

of a relationship. I didn't see it at the time,

obviously, when I was in it and we broke up and

I was left with all that debt. I blamed him,

I was angry, all of these things, but I did go

to therapy. Sometimes you've got to recognize

when you need to get help. I knew I had to get

help. If I was going to be the good mother that

I said I wanted to be to my daughter, and I wanted

to be a good example of a strong woman, and I

didn't want to become a victim of life, I had

to get out of that trauma and the only way to

do that was to go get the help that I needed.

So there comes moments in our lives where we

got to recognize when we either need to get a

therapist, it may be a therapist, it may be a

coach, it may be a very good friend that you

trust and you can confide in, but we can't walk

certain journeys alone. I certainly recognize

that I couldn't come through that phase alone.

And so I did go and get the help that I needed

and you learn to trust yourself more when you

trust that Something's off in my life. I need

to go do something about it and you actually

do something about it That's another confidence

builder because you go you know what I can trust

my gut my gut I don't know why I don't know why

I think I need this help, but I need it and you

go and get it and you take the steps because

here's the other thing you've got to put into

practice whatever it is that you're seeking help

on you can't just gain the knowledge but never

execute on the knowledge you have to execute

on whatever it is that you're learning even if

it's only one action i've always said to a lot

of the people that i've worked with over the

years especially my career clients i say to them

do one thing only one thing and be consistent

until you've mastered that then you choose your

next thing. Because if you try and take on 150

and 10 actions at a time, you're going to be

overwhelmed. You're probably not going to execute

on any of them very well. And then you're going

to feel failure. And the biggest dash to your

confidence is going to be when you fail. Oh,

right. Absolutely. And people have a lot of personally,

I mean, you got to have failure to have even

recognized what successes are, obviously, but

also You know, people focus on that instead of

like you just said, learning from it and moving

forward. And I mean, how are you growing unless

you fail every once while people just have a,

I think a strange way of connecting those dots

together. David, I really wanted to, this is

probably more of a question more towards the

end of the show and we're not there, that's for

sure. We're having fun. No, we're having fun.

But my god, we haven't even got through a third

of the comments yet. And we're over an hour already.

That's so funny. But I wanted to do this later

on. But he also makes a comment here. So I said,

OK, I'm going to put this up now. Because this

is kind of like almost a final comment. What

do you want to leave with people in their minds

about your program and your book, in this case,

Ndodka? I'm gonna I'm gonna have you read this

now and then I'm gonna he followed up a little

bit later with another comment So I'm gonna have

you read this then I'm gonna have you read this

one, but I want you to come back and and and

and Make this comment. So What do you think this

is why I think I wanted to have this at the end,

but we'll do another thing Oh, we got plenty

over there Okay, so David says first he says

I love the connection between dogs and confidence

I've never when I read that too. I mean you heard

it my my opening I had that very clever your

I love the writing and the humor that falls within

it But also the simple The advice, everybody

knows exactly what we're talking about right

now with dogs and space and confidence and just

living in the moment. That's a great connection

that you made there. I like saying this because

even between this show and our last show, same

thing. We're looking at the same house, but through

different windows. And I love that about this

show. So I love the connection between dogs and

confidence. What lesson from the dog code do

you find most important that's why it should

be at the end but i'm going to do it now hold

on but before you comment on that before you

reply to his question david also wrote and read

this so read this and then go ahead and answer

his question about what he just asked wendy's

message did that make sense did that make sense

yeah okay yeah wendy's message about trusting

yourself really stands out thank you Oh, thank

you, David, for that. Thank you. I love that

comment. And then just come back here. I'm going

to throw it back up there. What's the what's

the most important? See, I'm looking at the joy,

you know, and honestly, I've kind of grown up

a little bit over the last year. I always love

my dogs. I've always been a good dog person.

I've been I've raised five boys, so I'm not a

bad person necessarily to say I don't want to

frame it in that stance. But you know what I've

noticed over the last years? because I'm starting

to pay more attention to them because it's really

just me and them right and I'm in a little town

and I'm retired this is my show this is what

I do right so it's given me that time to step

back and and really start paying attention to

my dogs and and all of these things are like

bam they're connecting okay so what is from the

dog code what do you find out to be most important

of a lesson because I've learned a bunch of them

So for me it comes so it's I think it's the chapter

I'm trying to remember that the titles that I

gave it but it was called guarding the gate and

guarding the gate is about the boundaries because

I don't think you can really achieve any of the

other lessons in there without first guarding

the boundaries when you know your own boundaries

then you know when you say no to something And

no becomes as important as yes, because a lot

of us are so busy saying yes to things we really

want to say no to. What does that do over a long

period of time? It erodes your confidence, erodes

your own belief in your own instinct, in what

works for me, right? So I have found that since

writing the book, but also since going through,

because I'm also in that mid -life years, since

going through the mid -life menopausal years,

I've gotten really better at saying no. Better

at saying no. Hold on, hold on. I skipped this

question earlier because I was going to bring

it in at the end. But since you brought it up,

add to what you're talking about now. And how

can women over 45 becoming less underestimated?

Estimated. So bring that into what you're already

talking about. Because that came in about 30

minutes ago, but I waited. Go ahead. OK. So if

we're going to like we can tie this in a little

bit together. So women over 45, look, first of

all, I noticed for myself is that I did my confidence

did become eroded in the late 40s because I started

that midlife menopausal journey, like literally

at 45, 46. What's it called? pre -menopause,

what's it? Perimenopause. Perimenopause. We did

the whole show on that, like about two months

ago. Yeah. I learned a lot about stuff. That's

crazy. Go ahead. Go ahead. Well, the thing is

part of it is our hormones and the way it all

and the brain, everything starts working a bit

differently. So some of it happens internally.

we underestimate ourselves, but then also we

do still live in a society where there's a lot

more opportunity still for the guys, right? Especially

in corporate and things like that, and women

have to fight for their places. What I found

- And they say that men age better. Well, I mean,

I think that that's a choice because we women

can age fabulously too. I was going to say you've

seen pictures of producer Barbie and that's obviously

a joke and I'm probably going to get crap for

making that joke but go ahead. One of the ways

we overcome being underestimated is to build

our confidence in ourselves first and that goes

right back to the guarding the gate the boundaries

the trusting of the instincts because if you

don't trust your own instincts and you constantly

go against them And women tend to do that. We

tend to do that even more than men do, right?

I think a lot more, right? Yeah, a lot more.

We govern by societal rules, over thinking, wanting

to look and feel a certain way, all of these

things. Help everybody else, be there for everybody

else. Yeah, there's a lot to it. Yeah, no doubt.

Let's be honest, women are the lowest on their

own priority list. That is just a fact. Yeah,

and if you do that often enough often enough

you start to erode your own confidence and sometimes

you might not even realize it and then you end

up you in the workforce and You're going well,

you know, they're underestimating me. They're

not giving me the opportunity. But here's what

I've seen happen When a woman starts to build

her own voice and build her own confidence and

she speaks not I always say don't shout People

don't hear you when you shout, right? You need

to speak with quiet confidence, but really knowing

what you're talking about. Most of the time,

people listen. I've certainly seen that. I've

been in I was in corporate for many years and

I climbed the corporate ladder quite high and

I sat on, you know, executive leadership boards

and things like that. But none of that happened

because I had to yell, scream or anything. One

of the things I did do was I built. my ability

and my confidence, I made sure I always delivered

to whatever remit I had. I delivered so that

no one could ever come back and say she didn't

do what she said she would do. It comes back

to a very simple thing. I've lived by the mantra

that my grandmother taught me when I was young,

honor your word. And that means it goes across

everything. If you say you're going to be somewhere,

be somewhere. If you say you're going to be there

at a certain time, be there at a certain time.

I've always had grandma in my head saying, honor

your word. And when you honor your word, you

build confidence. And for women, we have to probably

do that even more so, because we are naturally

underestimated. Society tries to dictate how

we should be in the world. And so I've found

that keeping grandma, and my grandmother died

when I was a teenager, but she's always stayed

in my head. And she was a formidable woman in

her time, you know. And so you avoid being underestimated

by not underestimating yourself. It's every lesson

in life. It goes back to you first. And when

you move in the world with your own quiet confidence

and you honor your word, you always deliver or

do what you say you're going to do. People do

look at you differently, even if they don't want

to. Like I certainly found, I mean, Here in Australia,

there was a time where I was sitting on leadership

levels. I was the only woman, and I was also

the only woman of color. I didn't let that stop

me. I was like, I'm here. I'm going to take up

the space that I can, but I'm going to do it

in a quiet and confident way and always also

bringing as many people along as I could. Because

when you bring people along, you build allies

around you. I built a lot of allies around me,

including men, including the leadership men who

maybe wouldn't have wanted to give me the time

of day. Absolutely. Absolutely. And I'm glad

you say that you must. I don't know if you're

reading as I bring some of these things up or

not, but you just set up this question really

well. You're taking my job away. Would you knock

it off? No, I'm just kidding. So here's a black

professional woman, obviously, or color. I don't

know how you would term that. But a very professional

woman, obviously, it looks like. A doctor, it

looks like. And what you just said, I don't know

if you're cheating or not, but can being more

present improve your personal relationships?

Because what you were just talking about is you're

creating allies. So the answer is obviously yes.

Yes. By the way, we have two more comments are

two more. Well, one comment, one question, unless

something else comes in. So we're getting close.

But why don't you go ahead and jump on this?

I'm going to arrange a couple things in the background.

So give me a couple extra minutes on on your

response to here. And then we'll hit the last

two and then we'll do a closing. Okay. Yeah.

Okay, so absolutely. I mean, being present as

we've already discussed, it improves personal

relationships with our family, our friends, people

feel. But the same applies in professional environments.

Remember, we are humans. It doesn't matter where

we are, whether we in a personal environment

or a professional environment, we are humans.

And humans need to be seen and heard and acknowledged.

Whether it's someone that's reporting to you,

or someone that you reporting to. And I found

that making sure that I was always present to

the people around me was one of the ways I built

the allies. So I built the allies managing upwards,

but also managing downwards. I would never hold

someone who was reporting to me back from anything.

One of the things that I made sure I did when

I was leading teams was I always knew where they

were developing, what they needed. Sometimes

someone would make a mistake or they would do

something that jeopardized the team. Before I

reprimanded or anything like that, I would always

go to that person, take them out for a coffee,

find out what was going on. And more often than

not, just by being present to that person, and

finding out, I often found out that there was

a personal struggle going on. Maybe the marriage

was in trouble. Maybe there was a health issue.

Once I knew that, and sometimes I didn't know

that, they wouldn't share that with me, but I

could sense that something was bothering that

person because I listened. I then put a protectiveness

around that person. I looked after that person,

made sure they were protected, made sure they

were taken care of while they were at work. And

I will say that some of the opportunities that

came for me later in life wasn't always from

the bosses or people I'd worked with in leadership.

Some of the jobs that I landed later on, I landed

some amazing roles, was from people who had reported

to me. They went on, I helped them, I coached

them to go on to different careers because I

was doing career coaching as well at the time,

parallel to my corporate job. And they would

ring me up and they go, you know what? There's

a great PMO manager role going on here. Do you

want me to put your resume forward? So these

were people that were, that I was the boss of,

would find a role and say, this is a great job.

You would be great in this role. And I would

get the next role from someone who once reported

to me, but that's because I made it my mission

to be present. to know what was going on with

my team at all times, but also know what's going

on with the leadership and executive team, and

bring human being 101. That's what it comes down

to. Bring human being 101 to all relationships,

personal and professional, and you will thrive.

Life will open its doors. Opportunities will

come. I think Clive asked you a question earlier.

And great response, by the way. I think people

here are getting a wave of valuable information.

And honestly, we're talking about similar subjects

here with a new approach. Like I said, same house,

different windows. And in this case, I think

we're really digging a little deeper into some

of the subjects we covered earlier about leadership.

But through this other window, I think we're

really gaining a lot. Clive had a question for

you earlier. But I'm going to put up this. Would

you read out loud his comment and remark back

to him if you would? Great conversation and such

a unique perspective on confidence. Oh, thank

you Clive. Yeah, thank you. I mean, it's true,

right? I mean, I get an amazing opportunity,

640, what I say it was at the beginning, 42,

I think, episodes of last year. So I've gotten

a really front seat. Well, first of all, I'm

the luckiest guy in the world, because I get

all this free advice, you know, six days a week,

right? I mean, I sit at a place where I think

a lot of people would envy me. Not because I'm

going out, but because I get to listen. I've

gotten a lot more knowledgeable by knowing folks

like yourself, like you said, by having these

allies. And that makes such a huge, huge deal.

So why don't you read? Did you? Did you read

that? I was busy talking. Yes, I did. I did.

I did. All right. All right. Good. Good. Good.

So we already did this one. But this gentleman

here, how can someone regain confidence after

a major career change? And I'm guessing here,

you're going to gain confidence if you're upwardly

mobile. But let's adjust this a little bit. Let's

say you have a backstop. Let's say your your

industry I come from the plastics industry So

I I saw the way things were kind of going and

you know What what I do is much smaller now than

what it used to be Back in the day what I did

I should say so But if you have to take a step

back, let's say you have to have a cut and pay

or so Let's say you're you you you have to make

a career change not not want to but have to How

can someone regain that confidence? We've talked

about this. It's just basically stepping back

and saying, you know what? I still am who I am.

I got here where I was because I am that person.

There's this bump in the road. How do you build

it back? Yeah. So look, for me, I found I obviously

did go through major changes and I had to do

that big career leap where I got that lovely

money. But yes. I found that staying connected

to something, look, if you make a career change

and it's something that you really love and you

really wanted to do all along, it's easy. The

confidence is going to happen because you now

in an environment that was probably yours that

you were dreaming of for years, now you're there,

right? But if you're making a career change and

it's either a step back or a step sideways, you've

taken a pay cut, all of that. I found that what

keeps people motivated or what builds confidence

is to connect to something that you love. So

I've always loved writing. And that became my

companion. And even through the difficult times

of life, I was writing. That was my thing. And

so I say to the people that I've worked with,

what is the thing that you love? The thing that

you would do if someone didn't pay you money.

That's the thing you really love. Make sure you

weave it into your life somehow. Even if you

end up doing it on a volunteer basis for an hour

a week, or in my case, I wrote daily for 15 minutes.

Sometimes I only got a page out. If I was writing

a novel, it was a page, or it was a half a page,

or I'd get a third of a poem out or something.

But words and writing, they always meant something

to me. And so I did that. Because you know what?

It kept me connected to a sense of joy. And the

more you stay connected, like the dog, the doggies

are joyful, right? And that's why they sow confidence.

That's why they move in the world the way they

move. And so I say to people, find the thing.

that gives you joy and do it. You need to include

it in your life, whether it's half an hour a

day, once a week, whatever, and build the confidence

there. And then be curious about life. You know,

one of my favorite shows is Ted Lasso, you know?

Oh, I love Ted Lasso. I knew you would say that,

Rod. Do you remember the dark scene? Yes, be

curious, not judgmental. They're bad. You know,

you know, that's a tagline on the show. And you

know why it's a tagline on the show? Because

of Ted lasso. I love that show. But curious.

So if you in a role that for example, you've

had to take a step backwards, then get curious

about the role. How can you make it your own?

You know, it's easy to sit and, and lament that,

oh, I hate this job. This is not where I should

be all of that. But you know what, if you If

you stop judging that role as not being the one

for you and you go, how can I get curious about

this job? What about this role can I bring myself

to? I guarantee you within a short time frame,

there is something about the role that you're

going to love, even if the something about the

role is that you get to work with, say, two or

three really great people every day. Yeah. You

know, that's and as you it's a it's a mind shit.

Mind mindset shift that you need to take on once

you do that sorry. I think you said it was mine

shit Mindset shift stumbling over the words.

I Had to do it Wendy. I know you had to do it.

You wouldn't be you if you didn't that's true.

That's true. That's true I probably know barbie.

She's a lot nicer than I am So Eventually it

builds confidence. It's everything comes down

to how you decide to look at something. And remember,

you know, nothing in life is permanent. You get

to choose if something is permanent. So you can

choose to make this a temporary, I call it, label

it a transition role. I'm transitioning. I'm

transitioning as I move to find the one that's

the right one for me. Like that. Alright, so

I've got another comment coming up here I'm gonna

hold off for a second because I told you we're

doing a couple of things a little different now

these days and so I'm Advertising I'm marketing

my copy and paste skill sets So I want you to

tell me how good I did on this copy and paste

job You did great. Everything is there. See a

good copy and paste. What about this one? Yeah.

And LinkedIn, great. And that's probably the

best way for people because it has obviously

the ability for people to message me. I love

it. You can send me a message via LinkedIn and

tell me that you heard me on Rod's show. There

you go. And I will respond, you know, questions,

whatever, you know. I've got support around me

as well, so they'll bring the urgent ones to

my attention, and I will see how I can help whoever

wants to ask questions. That dude that handles

some of your admin stuff is a good dude, right?

He'll jump on it. Yeah, that's why I'm about

to marry him. I got engaged to him. So he's been

my business partner. I said that at the beginning.

I did say you were getting married, right? Yeah,

I'm getting married in December. Hey, oh, December

wedding. Are you where in Australia? In Australia?

That's a summer wedding. It's summer there. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, that's so cool. That's so cool. Alright,

so I want you to read what Daniel's comment is

here. And then I'd like you to go into your comment.

What is a moment? What is the one thought? that

you want to leave everybody with for this show.

And then we'll do our closing and I'll throw

you back in the state. You didn't touch the green

peanuts, right? No. All right. So so leave Malone

back there again. And and I'll come back and

meet you after we wrap it up. But but read this

out loud and then respond to him and then leave

a comment that you were at. I said an hour and

15 minutes. I was wrong. It's an hour and 25.

So, so why don't you read this out loud, comment

to him and then leave your your closing remark

if you would when you there's been an awesome

show. Okay, thank you. Okay, Daniel says great

live show. So many thoughtful lessons about confidence

and life. Thank you, Daniel. That's what I was

hoping to bring here. Look, I would say if I

had one message to lead people with. is trust

your instincts. Be like the dog. Trust your instincts.

Dogs are showing you how. And take one small

action. Don't take a thousand, don't even take

five. One small action every day is going to

build momentum. And as you win every day, that

builds confidence. That's what I've learned in

life. I only ever take on one thing at a time

when I'm happy with that Then I move on to the

next thing But the thing is what I found is as

you take the one action momentum builds and before

you know it Your confidence is increasing and

you're taking on maybe two or three but start

with one You know start with the tiny step the

one step that leads to the thousand miles You

know, there's so many things that we're doing

and and we're doing them similar because I use

a similar comment What we're doing here is the

first few steps on a journey of a thousand miles,

right? Yeah Yeah, why don't you give everybody

a big wave and and let me wrap up here and we'll

see you in the green room That's the book that

I'm sorry. I screwed that up. Hold on. I'm gonna

put you dog. That's the dog code and yeah. I

love that. That's beautiful. Love, lead, and

love better and that's little Nala there. I was

just gonna say, is that her? Is she black? Is

she black and white doggy? She's uh she's actually

silver now and got the tan face. So, she's got

the tan face with the silver. Oh, she's getting

older. Yeah. Yeah. She's six, six and a half

years old. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's beautiful.

I Hey, wait, wait, wait. Bring up the book one

more time. There it is. All right, Wendy. Thank

you so much. Thank you. Wendy, this is exactly

why I wanted you back. I mean, you know that.

We laughed today, right? We talked about dogs.

But somewhere along the way, we ended up talking

about something much bigger. You know, how we

live, how we treat ourselves. who gets our loyalty,

where we draw our boundaries, where we draw those

on, whether we trust our instincts or not, and

whether we can finally say no without attaching

a three page explanation and apologizing six

times. I think, although, you know, I think I'm

gonna try that one. Producer Barbie, don't get

too excited. But here's what I'm taking away

from this conversation. Maybe confidence isn't

walking into the room or everywhere, believing

you're the smartest person there. Maybe, just

maybe, it's simply knowing who you are when you

walk into. Maybe loyalty doesn't mean sacrificing

yourself or everybody who needs something from

you. And like Whitney and I were talking about.

Women especially pay attention to that. Being

sexist there, you know what I mean. Maybe boundaries

aren't walls. And maybe being present isn't something

we need another or seminar or self -help book

to teach us. Sometimes maybe we just need to

watch the dog. They don't worry about yesterday.

They aren't building a PowerPoint presentation

about tomorrow. They're pretty interested in

right now. And maybe we could use a little more

of that. Wendy, Wendy Alexander, thank you for

coming back to the table. Thank you for the laughs.

Thank you for the honesty and for giving me another

reason to wonder whether Boomer and Daisy have

been quietly judging me all these years. Everybody

watching. Wendy's book is the dark code just

saw it on the screen check out when these work

and happy queer hub Connect with her. You'll

see her details in the description of this show

and as well by the way or the comments connect

with her there especially on LinkedIn and Share

this conversation with somebody who's been carrying

too much saying yes to off or wondering Whether

it's time to start trusting themselves again

before you leave subscribe Follow and become

part of the growing insights and straight talk

community We're we're over we're well over 25

000 now strong across our our media And our media

ecosystem is blowing up. So please support that

But as i've said this before and i'll keep saying

it The number isn't what matters. The voices

behind those numbers do. Your voice belongs at

this table. I'm Rod Duff alongside producer Barbie,

and this is Insights in Straight Talk, empowering

the great middle class one conversation at a

time. And until next time, be loyal, know your

boundaries, enjoy the moments, and if all else

fails, ask the dog. I got it. For now. Before

you leave, if you'd like to watch another one

of the podcast, click the first link in the description.

We love having you here and we appreciate all

your support. And with that, producer Barbie

and I are out.